5 Weeks!

Yay!  Still pregnant!  The feelings of nerves and terror have temporarily been replaced by OHSS symptoms.  I am HUGE, nauseas, in pain and ugh so tired.  It's a heady mix of the first glimmer of first tri symptoms and OHSS symptoms.

I'm not complaining....I understand that this is the cost of doing business.  I also know women who had it WAY worse than me.  Now I'm just believing that it means that my hcg levels are high and rising which means my baby (or babies) are growing.

TWO weeks from tomorrow we will get more answers.  I'm treating these next two weeks as a second set of 2WW.  Be on the lookout for lots of crazy!

Beta #2

Beta #2 came back this afternoon at 874!!!  I wish I could type numbers in capital letters because I feel like shouting it.  Ultrasound is scheduled for 7/15.  No idea how I will stay sane until then!

Thanks for all of your support!

Back with Good News!

Sorry readers, I've been a horrible blogger.  I let an entire fresh cycle run past without any posting.  To recap, we did a fresh cycle, retrieval on June 7 (28 eggs, 25 mature, 21 fertilized) and transferred 2 fresh embies 5 days later.  Today we happily learned that I am PREGNANT!  I peed on no sticks during the entire 10 day awful period that I was waiting.  First beta came back at 451 with a progesterone level of 200.  I'm in shock and I'm very excited.

I promise to be a better blogger.

Next beta is on Wednesday!

Fuck Mother's Day (Also...Happy Anniversary to my Infertility Blog)

If you had asked me 24 hours ago what I'd be doing today, I would tell you I would be spending the day outside basking in the glow of Mother Nature and enjoying the company of my wonderful husband and father in law. 

So what am I doing today?  Crying after looking on facebook.  I must seriously hate myself.

It's harder than I thought it would be.  All I can think about is what I should be doing.  I should be 5 months pregnant.  I should have a 1 year old.  I should be much farther along than I am.

And where am I?

Empty, fat after 2 rounds of ART and countless cycles before then and sad.

Sad. sad. sad.

So fuck you Mother's Day. 

Out of Hiding

So I had my miscarriage, got really sad and scary on here and then went away.  I'm sorry.  I needed to process.  I couldn't deal with the pictures from the month that I was pregnant.  I wanted to pretend that this wasn't my reality.

We did a frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I took lupron for about 2 weeks which sucked serious monkey balls.  Seriously - that shit is worse than clomid for me.  I was a fucking mess.  Then I added estrogen to the fun, finally followed by intramusclar injections of progesterone.  Awesome.

We wanted to thaw 2 and our first 2 survived the thaw.  I was so happy to hear that news I almost started crying (might have been the valium).  We got in the mega stirrups and 20 minutes later I was PUPO.

4 days later, I learned that I was actually P, not just PUPO.  That uber faint line was followed by 4 days of positive pregnancy tests.  I noticed that the FRER line I took at 7dp5dt wasn't as dark as the one that I had from the previous cycle, but my symptoms were so strong that I felt positive.

I felt pregnant.

So it felt like a fucking kick in the stomach to learn last Monday that my beta was a 10. Pregnant, but not very pregnant.  Knowing that I took tests with a sensitivity of 20, I knew the prognosis wasn't good.  My doctor tried to blow sunshine, but she ultimately agreed.  I grieved the loss by going home from work and playing candy crush in bed.  I cried for about an hour.

Wednesday we got Beta #2.  4.  Not even pregnant.  I knew it was over on Monday, but the news still stung.

I cried a bit more and then H and I made our plan.

We bought into the Attain IVF program.  That means we get 6 cycles - 3 fresh, 3 frozen and a take home baby or our money back.

Anyway, so we've used 1 fresh and 1 frozen.  We could sacrifice this fresh cycle and do a frozen cycle which would be easier and cheaper.  We've decided not to do that and press forward with a fresh cycle.  I'm not sure what the story of the 6 embroys in the freezer will be, but they will still be there I guess.

I was so ready to go to battle with my clinic about a start date.  You can imagine how surprised I was to learn that they had a cancellation and could get me in right away, starting stims on 5/28.  Estimated retrival on 6/7.

So we are pressing the fuck forward.  80% of Attain IVF participants get a take home baby.  I truly have to believe that a couple with unexplained infertility who has gotten pregnant twice in a row will be in the 80%.  Who knows.

This loss was easier.

I have gotten stronger.

Thank you to those who reached out to me in the interim,  Your support meant so much to me.  I am looking forward to rejoining the blogging community.

Doing Better

If somebody were to ask me how I was doing today, I would say "pretty good."

It wouldn't be a lie.

I feel like I'm on the other side of this.  The stronger, capable of moving on and dealing with this side.  That is what I'm focusing on - being strong.

I remember back to my running/training days.  It was always so much easier to get through the run if I was running with somebody who was struggling.  I would be strong for that person and forget about the pain in my legs.

I am going to be strong for myself.

I'm starting to really love acupuncture.  I've been 3 times and feel amazing each night.

I'm struggling with the transfer date.  I have training on the same day that the FET is scheduled for.  I really need the training, but I really need the baby.  I really wish they could get me in.  Feel free to give me advice if I should move the transfer or not.


I totally forgot to mention the news I got last week.  We found out the "why," as much there can be a "why"  The baby had Trisomy 14, which is a generally fatal condition.  I feel better, even though it makes me feel guilty to feel better.

I'm Hanging in There

I haven't posted in awhile and the last posts I did were pretty messy.  The truth is, I get pretty sad at least one point everyday, but I'm not sad all of the time right now.  We are currently scheduled to transfer 4/11, although I really want that date to be moved up.  I'm trying to be patient but it is virtually impossible.

A Letter to Karen

My Aunt Karen was my mom's only sister.  She passed away at the age of 38 from cancer, but her short life left an indelible impression on my life.  Shortly after I was born, she suffered a still birth due a traumatic car accident.  She went on to have three beautiful children who I considered brothers and sisters.  

This loss has made me miss:

          the way you took on life’s tragedies with compassion, grace and confidence

          the way you knew how to calm my fears and insecurities

          the feeling of being hugged by you

          the soft weight of your hand on my back

This loss has made me wonder:  how did you cope?

Welcoming my birth, the child of your sister, as your own baby perished.  

I promise to love her as you loved me.

I wish you were here to explain

         the how

         the why

         the when

What would you say to me now?

        Certainly words of strength.  

              Moving forward.

                    Bucking up.

I remember the bathroom at Grandma’s funeral.  She was with Freddie, you said.  

Last week, when they took my baby away,  I felt you with me.

Empty Pregnant Woman

***warning really messy post ahead***

I just saw myself naked for the first time since Wednesday, when my happy dream of being pregnant turned into an ugly nightmare.  My body looks the same as it did on Wednesday morning when I showered and changed into the cute new maternity clothes I had bought.  My breasts are full and lined with blue veins, which were supposed to deliver milk to my baby once he or she came into the world.  My nipples were slightly more protruded.  My belly is rounded and full.  I look like I have gained about 10 pounds and like my "baby bump" is there.

But I'm empty.  The only thing inside my "bump" are wounds from the d&c.  

I want to punish myself for being so fat.  For letting myself go.  For eating so many goddamn crackers. This would have been so much easier if I was skinny now.  If my own fucking body wasn't reminding me of how much I've lost.

This hurts so fucking bad.

I Made it Through Today

Sorry if this post is a little meandering and hard to follow.  Today was a really rough and long day.  However, it was in so many ways better than yesterday.  Today we hit the reset button.  Today I did what I needed to do to save myself weeks of waiting for something painful to come.  Today I received love and support from my family and friends, even though I really didn't feel like talking to anybody.  I am going to bed tonight feeling loved and cared for.  I think I will even make some new connections and friends out of this.  I feel like I have joined a secret sorority of sisters, almost all of whom who have children.  Thank you to all of you who offered support, thoughts and prayers.  Please know that I felt every single one of them.

Today was a true test of my job as well and let me tell you, I work at a classy joint.  I ended up telling the big boss because I'm working on a case with him.  He told me to take all the time I need and that he'd cover my cases for me.  I don't think I want to take him up on the offer because working and fighting for my clients feels really good right now. That being said, I'm not going to work tomorrow.

I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but I know that eventually night will fall and there will come a new day and I will be one step closer to holding my baby in my arms.

And Just Like That...It's Over.

I had my first OB appointment today.  I talked with a really nice lady for 45 minutes about pregnancy and had a physical exam.  Then I met with my OB.  He was really excited because he knew that it had taken us a long time to get there.  We rushed over to the ultrasound room.  We were joking about how familiar I was with the dildo cam.  He put it in and I saw the baby, or what was the baby.  I looked for movement or a heartbeat but there wasn't any.  I knew it was over, even before he put his hand on my arm and said he was so sorry.  I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head or him telling me he was so sorry.  I called Chad and got dressed.  I then waited to talk about the next steps.  I have a D&C tomorrow morning at 10:00.  Chad can't come so my father in law is going to stay with me.  The guy who I was supposed to make into a grandpa this fall.  I drove home.  I'm not sure how I did that because I was crying pretty hard.

I am devastated.

Bump Break

I have so much to blog about, each deserving of its own post.  I'm going to just start posting and see where I end up ok?

The first order of business is something that some of my readers may notice.  I am taking a bump break.  If you read my blog you know that I've really had a hard time with my anxiety lately.  I had a great therapy session on Thursday which really helped, but when I read about a late miscarriage last night I was back to square one.

The truth is that I could be that girl.  I could show up on Wednesday and see no baby, or no heart beat and I will be DEVASTATED.  And, unlike a lot of women who are in that situation, I won't be caught off guard because I know it can happen.

But reading about it several times a day won't make it any less hard, and it isn't doing any good.

I mentioned to my older sister off hand that I might need her to change my password.  I didn't really mean it at the time, but I guess in a way every joke has some fiction.  She didn't have to ask what my password is, she knew, and she knew that I really needed her to go in and lock me out of my own bump account.

This is what sisters do (btw that sister had a big week and the next post will be all about her).

So, to my bump friends, I will see you when I'm out of first tri, whether that be next week or next month.  I will be following your blogs and missing your updates, but will be back soon.

Pregnant Infertile Woman - 8 weeks

I have known I'm pregnant for over a month now.  This month has been terrifying and emotionally draining.  I never thought that I'd be scared to miscarry.  One the hardest things is to think about is what it would mean to come back from the land of being pregnant to the infertile side.  I am seriously a 5% probability miscarriage away from being in that group. I am a pregnant infertile woman.

I've made it to 8 weeks.  Every.single.moment.of.every.single.day is spent with me wishing that the miscarriage won't start.  That I won't have to go back.  That this child grows into a strong healthy human being that I can hold in my arms.  That this scary infertile journey is over.  That I can promise my husband that he will in fact be a father.  That his dad will know that he is a grandfather and be able to take that child fishing (but not hunting - no way in hell am I allowing that). Getting through the next 5 weeks until the end of first trimester seems so daunting that it makes me want to give up.

This afternoon I had an incredibly intense bout of morning sickness.  I decided that meant that at least today, I would not miscarry.  Totally not medically sound, but it got me through the afternoon with only passing thoughts of losing everything.  Here's to feeling shitty for the next month.

Welcome ICLW! (And a Long Overdue Update)

First of all....sorry to my readers for being so MIA.  The hard part of having an infertility blog is that you get pregnant.  The hard part of a pregnancy blog, especially an early pregnancy blog, is that you are so freaking tired.

Second of all....Hello to ICLW readers!  After doing my first round of IVF, I got pregnant during the last ICLW so I'm hoping somebody else gets that experience this week!

A quick update:  I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow and I will get back to doing the weekly updates.  I'm feeling good, unless I go too long with sleeping, drinking water or sleeping. I have about a 45 minute window of feeling fantastic.  Work is good but has been pretty busy.  Trying to get everything done and take care of myself has proven difficult.  Time is moving both quickly and slowly.

Ultrasound Success!

So apparently there is a baby in my belly.  A belly that is measuring 6 weeks, 3 days who has a heartbeat.  I was so overcome with emotion that I didn't even ask all the important questions I was meaning to ask.

I know you want it - so here are the pics of my baby, that doesn't look remotely like a baby:

 6 week pregnancy update to come tomorrow!

Ultrasound Tomorrow

To say I'm nervous would be an understatement.  I am so so freaking nervous.  I keep asking CB (and others) if there is a baby in my belly.  I just don't know.
And to top off the nervousness....my m/s was pretty much gone today.  My boobs are still sore and I'm tired and I had 3 new zits and my smell o meter is SO strong but come ON.

Tomorrow at 11:15 it is.

Taking the Maternity Plunge

I went on a mission this morning to find a new bra.  My boobs have been really uncomfortable and sad and I thought that a new bra would help.  I first went to this store called "Hot Mama" which used to sell lingerie.  They didn't sell anything that I needed - boo.

I then tried Target.  I was overwhelmed by the rows of bras and didn't really feel like trying anything on.  I tried on 2 34Cs and they looked awful.  I could not figure out what I wanted and felt like I wasn't going to find it there.

I decided to go to the mall.  I went to this store called Soma Intimates and found somebody who actually measured me.  Apparently I'm a 36C now, which is why the Target bras didn't work.  I got two bras, one nude and one gray for $35.00.  Score!!

As I was leaving the mall I passed by the mall directory.  I had previously thought that there were no maternity stores in the mall and that I would have to go to the Mall of America - which is an exhausting event.  The mall directory told me that the Gap Baby store included Gap Maternity.  I decided to check it out.

I walked in the store and started looking at things.  It looked cute, but like I'd never ever fit into them.  A sales associate walked up to me and asked if I needed help.  I looked at her clueless, feeling like a fraud.  I'm a miscarriage away from being an infertile going through IVF - what makes me deserve maternity pants away?  This is all going to go away and I just thought about how stupid I would feel returning them.

She explained the demi/full panel difference to me and what was cute.  I asked if it was too early and she confided in me that she was also very newly pregnant (a couple of days ahead of me).  Nobody knew so it was very hush hush but it felt good to me that she confided in me.  As she was leaving me alone to ring somebody up she said "My name's Andrea if you need any help"  I said "That's my name too!"

I decided on a sweater that honestly didn't look like a maternity sweater.  It just looked cute and on sale.
I then thought - f it - lets try on some pants.  I found a cute pair of demi panel jeans and tried them on.

OH MY GOD.

It was amazingly comfortable and my butt actually looked cute.  Then, my new friend Andrea informed me that they were HALF OFF.

So I got them.  Maybe this was tempting fate, maybe I'll have a give away if my ultrasound shows nothing, maybe this is "giving up" but I feel pretty good right now.

Here is me in my new outfit:

I'm too Tired to Post

:::yawn:::

Still here...still pregnant.  Tomorrow marks one week until first ultrasound.
I slept from 9-7 last night and I'm so fing tired.

Here are some cute sleeping animal pictures for you

Source: magicalnaturetour.tumblr.com via Tisha on Pinterest

Source: reddit.com via Leslie on Pinterest

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Tina on Pinterest

5 Weeks

Welcome to the first of hopefully many weekly updates.  I borrowed this template from some pregly ladies blogs.  Hope y'all don't mind.

How far along? 5 weeks

Size of Baby: TheBump says apple seed.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I haven't ventured on the scale yet.  As you can tell I am quite (aka really omg are you serious) bloated right now.  I promise I'm not sticking it out.

Maternity Clothes: I am clinging to the last days of pants, but if this bloat doesn't go away those days will be quite few.

Gender: Team Green for now...but I'm leaning towards finding out.  Thankfully we have a lot of time to make that decision.

Belly Button In/Out: In

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Labor Signs: Nope.

Movement: Not yet.

Sleep: Um yes please I'd like some more.

Cravings/Aversions: Morning sickness keeps coming and going.  I can be SO sick one hour and then hungry and craving stuff the next.  I am going through a cheese craving phase.  Two things that I don't miss, which I find weird, are coffee and alcohol.

Symptoms: Aside from the intermittent morning sickness, I am dealing with some pretty sore tatas.  My boobs have grown a LOT in the past week.  They hurt just sitting there.  I am researching what to do about this and considering buying a bigger bra.  I've also gotten a couple of headaches and my sense of smell is very keen.  Oh and I want a nap.

Feeling: Petrified.  I want this to work out so badly and it's so clear that it can be taken away from me.

Best Moment this Week: Getting my second beta back and learning that all signs point to a happy healthy baby growing in me.

What I Miss: My pants not being tight.

What I am Looking Forward To: Getting through this week with my sanity intact.  NEXT Friday I have my first ultrasound.  That seems like forever now. 

Milestones: Getting out of week four and passing the beta tests.

Baby Milestones: The baby has a long week ahead of him/her.  Many of the major organs are created this week.  I can't wait to see it!

Next Appointment: January 11, 2013 - unless I can get in sooner (and don't think for a second that I won't try).  I am in somewhat of a RE/OB sandwich right now.  My RE couldn't get me in before 1/18.  I called my OB just to tell him that I was pregnant as was with me throughout the first year of this journey.  He wants to see me on 1/11. I really just want to go to both appointments.  The only down side I can think of is what if, God forbid, my ultrasound was a bad first ultrasound.  I suspect that my RE would want to do her own ultrasound to confirm and that would be really hard.  ok NO more negative thoughts.   

I really just want to see the baby - then I think it will feel a lot more real.