Out of Hiding

So I had my miscarriage, got really sad and scary on here and then went away.  I'm sorry.  I needed to process.  I couldn't deal with the pictures from the month that I was pregnant.  I wanted to pretend that this wasn't my reality.

We did a frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I took lupron for about 2 weeks which sucked serious monkey balls.  Seriously - that shit is worse than clomid for me.  I was a fucking mess.  Then I added estrogen to the fun, finally followed by intramusclar injections of progesterone.  Awesome.

We wanted to thaw 2 and our first 2 survived the thaw.  I was so happy to hear that news I almost started crying (might have been the valium).  We got in the mega stirrups and 20 minutes later I was PUPO.

4 days later, I learned that I was actually P, not just PUPO.  That uber faint line was followed by 4 days of positive pregnancy tests.  I noticed that the FRER line I took at 7dp5dt wasn't as dark as the one that I had from the previous cycle, but my symptoms were so strong that I felt positive.

I felt pregnant.

So it felt like a fucking kick in the stomach to learn last Monday that my beta was a 10. Pregnant, but not very pregnant.  Knowing that I took tests with a sensitivity of 20, I knew the prognosis wasn't good.  My doctor tried to blow sunshine, but she ultimately agreed.  I grieved the loss by going home from work and playing candy crush in bed.  I cried for about an hour.

Wednesday we got Beta #2.  4.  Not even pregnant.  I knew it was over on Monday, but the news still stung.

I cried a bit more and then H and I made our plan.

We bought into the Attain IVF program.  That means we get 6 cycles - 3 fresh, 3 frozen and a take home baby or our money back.

Anyway, so we've used 1 fresh and 1 frozen.  We could sacrifice this fresh cycle and do a frozen cycle which would be easier and cheaper.  We've decided not to do that and press forward with a fresh cycle.  I'm not sure what the story of the 6 embroys in the freezer will be, but they will still be there I guess.

I was so ready to go to battle with my clinic about a start date.  You can imagine how surprised I was to learn that they had a cancellation and could get me in right away, starting stims on 5/28.  Estimated retrival on 6/7.

So we are pressing the fuck forward.  80% of Attain IVF participants get a take home baby.  I truly have to believe that a couple with unexplained infertility who has gotten pregnant twice in a row will be in the 80%.  Who knows.

This loss was easier.

I have gotten stronger.

Thank you to those who reached out to me in the interim,  Your support meant so much to me.  I am looking forward to rejoining the blogging community.