CD3: Benched from Everything

Sunday is the day that I go to my favorite yoga class.  I was really looking forward to it as a treat if I wasn't pregnant this cycle.

I am in a fair amount of pain right now and obviously decided to follow my nurse's instructions and not go.  I feel restless and like I need to work out, but my stomach really hurts.

I am trying to get my mind off of this next month of BCPs.   The silver lining to this failed cycle is that I get to drink wine during my trip to France!!  I think I will focus on brushing up on my french language skills.  So..."Apportez-moi du vin" (bring me more wine)

Source: am.newuvision.us via Kemberly on Pinterest

CD 2: Benched

I have 7 cysts on my ovaries, ranging from big to extra big.  I'm waiting for them to call in my prescription for birth control pills to take this month.  I am on exercise restriction and have a permanent frown on my face.

I want to start IVF.  We are scheduling a meeting with my RE this week to talk about it.  I can't do this injectable cycle crap anymore - all I end up with are cysts.

CD 1

Ultrasound tomorrow.

Spotting

Just a little bit - but I know what it means.  I feel like cancelling my beta tomorrow because I don't need it.  I am not pregnant.  Not even a little bit.  After over a year of trying and six medicated cycles, we have nothing.

I feel like giving up.

I feel like locking my husband into the room until he agrees to do ivf.

I feel so stupid for thinking this was going to work and thinking that it did work.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like I'm being punished.

I feel forsaken.

CD26: What is Going On?

I really couldn't tell you.  Everything is in question until Friday.  I have mad pregnancy symptoms, including boob pain.  The symptom I'm feeling today is sharp pains around my ovaries, including my stomach.  I also feel like shit.

I've been having insomnia lately too, waking up at 4:30 and not being able to go back to bed.  This morning I had a mini meltdown and CB had to take care of me.  He made me coffee, cereal and ironed my pants while I flailed my arms like a crazy woman.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm planning on it being negative.  At this point I seriously cannot imagine being told "it's positive."

CD 24: In the Dark

It's Monday, which happens to be nowhere near Friday, which is when I'll know if this cycle worked.  I'm currently experiencing a fair amount of cramping in the ove region, which I hope is not a bunch of cysts forming.

Mondays suck.  This is what I looked like most of the day at work today.

Source: eighthourday.com via Samantha on Pinterest

CD23: Trusting.

I've spent some time this weekend reconnecting.  It's a weird time for me to be doing that because everybody asks "what's going on with the fertility stuff" and I have to tell them I won't know until Friday.

I reconnected with yoga yesterday and today.  It was the first time that I told my instructor about my fertility treatments.  She is amazing and showed me some modifications and talked about my ensuing pregnancy as if it were going to happen.  Turns out, her father in law owns my clinic.  What a small world.

I don't have a trigger pic for you, and probably won't pee on anything more this cycle.  I am trying to stay mentally clear and relaxed.  Here is my new mantra for the next five days (and all of the rest of the days after that)

Source: letzdoitnoww.tumblr.com via nella on Pinterest

CD22: CrazyTalk

I did something today that I've been waiting to do for a year.  I purchased some baby stuff.  It felt weird and awkward, like I was a crazy person.  I mean who does that?  Granted, I did try on a wedding dress (and booked my hall) before getting engaged so this is kind of in my kind of crazy.  

I bought a reveal present for my FIL.  He's a big Wisconsin fan so I bought him a mug that said "Wisconsin Grandpa"  I then went super crazy and bought a onesie that I thought was just really cute.

Is this crazy?  Have I jumped off the deep end? 

I forgot to take a test with my FMU this morning so no pic today.  It should be gone tomorrow...and then hopefully another line comes back!  

CD 21: Made it Through Week One!

This time next week I will know if this cycle worked.  I may get my period.  I may get a positive pee stick test.

I
DON'T
KNOW

All I do know is that this progesterone is making me crazy.  My boobs are on fire.  My stomach is twice the size it is normal (and the indian food and yogurt lab isn't working).  My cramps are crampy.

Here is my pee stick pic of the day.

Obviously lighter....but still there.

CB is working all weekend.  I'm hoping to get some serious reality television time and possibly a little bit of work in.

CD 19: Moving Along

Today has been a crazy day on the non-TTC front.  I can't really go into on here, but know that things are maybe, possibly, looking up for me.

Today was also the first day that I didn't lay in bed with the progesterone and just put it in.  It didn't seem to make a difference.  I am thankful for those extra few minutes of sleep.

I also am recovering from my neck injury.  I slept with a heating pad on it last night and it feels much better today.  Not all the way, but better.

Sorry about the reflection, but here is the trigger pic of the day.

I think it's lighter, but still there.

CD18: Um ouch.

This morning was not my finest morning.  I woke up at 5:30 to go pee and get my progesterone.  I read somewhere that you are supposed to hang out for awhile with it inside of you.  So I'm walking down my stairs, which are wooden and pretty steep and all of sudden I slip!  31 year old woman...falling down the stairs.  WTF.  Anyway, I caught myself with my hands but in so doing totally fucked up my neck.  It hurts all.the.time.  I went home from work at 3:30 and have been applying Icy/Hot and whining a lot.  My sister (an ER (or "ED") doctor) said that it might even hurt worse tomorrow!  I respectfully reserve the right to call in sick tomorrow if that is true.

Anyway, all of this whining and pain feeling has really taken my mind off the 2WW.  But alas, here I still am.  One of the things that I did after I fell was to POAS, per the request of KristyKay, a bumpie friend  with an awesome blog. So here is my first official trigger pic, taken at 4 DPT ("days past trigger").  Please be forewarned that this is the first thing that I am posting on my blog on which I have peed.

A short background for my new to TTTC friends.  The "trigger" shot I took on Friday was full of HCG, which is the same hormone that is picked up on a pregnancy test.  One of the reasons why you get a blood test, and not a urine test when you are on a medicated cycle is because the HCG might still be in the system.  But for some certain crazies, there's a work around.  Take a test EVERY DAY to watch the trigger HCG fade and then see if it comes back again.  This will hopefully happen in the next week or so.  Trigger pics are fun because they are something you can actively do to see what is going on with your body.  Luckily, I have a bazillion pregnancy tests so it is totally cheap to do too.

But see???  My trigger shot is still there!  Silly little trigger shot.

CD 17: Ummm Gross.

Do you know how gross progesterone suppositories are?  If you are reading this, you probably actually do.  Having taken Crinone for one cycle, and oral suppositories for another, I was NOT happy to see the type of progesterone that my RE put me on.  Let me introduce you to the strand of bullet shaped progesterone that I "insert" twice a day:

Classy right?  Almost in time for deer hunting season.

Now I've gotten loads of advice from other TTTC'ers, including "use a pantyliner" and "wash your hands."  What I wasn't prepared for was how difficult it was to work one of these guys out of their package at 6:20 a.m. when I'm half awake.  Hopefully tonight will go better.

I'm having some side effects already.  I am fully aware that its probably all in my head, but I feel super bloated and even a bit nauseous.  Taking progesterone supplements really throws a wrench in the phantom symptom game, because there really is a logical explanation for everything.  I am inserting bullet shaped forms of medicine into my vagina to trick my body into thinking that it's pregnant.

I'll probably start posting trigger pics tomorrow.

CD16: IUI Day!

I had my IUI done today.  We woke up and went to the clinic and checked in on the boy's side.   After we got the sperm situation worked out, we headed out to a nice breakfast at this super cute Columbian diner.  Then we came back, waited some more, and then went to the IUI room.

This was the first IUI at my new RE's and my first one that CB was there for.  The nurse made me check the vial to make sure if was really CB's and sign for it.  Then, it was go time.  I laid down and she got that speculum in there and got down to business.  She didn't get in on the first try, but she did it eventually.  Overall, she was much better at navigating the twisted and dark path that is my uterus/cervix.  She remarked on how much fertile CM I had which made me happy, because I was concerned that I wasn't seeing enough.

I laid there for 10 min with CB holding my hand and looking up the football schedule for the day.  After the egg timer went off, we headed out.  I have to go to Walgreen's later to get the progesterone suppositories that I start tomorrow morning (boo).

I POAS today to see if I had HCG in my system from my trigger.  It was the first time that my pee had ever made a stick do anything, and much lighter than I thought it would be.  I think my pee is a freak of nature.

Readers, please prepare yourself for 12 days of phantom symptoms, hand wringing, analyzing, hoping and praying.  We find out in 12 days.

Thank you to all of those, and you know who you are, who sent vibes last night.  I am currently looking for egg meeting sperm and snuggly embryo vibes.

CD14: Triggering

Yesterday I headed home from work to meet my friend for happy hour.  On the way, I picked up my trigger shot and a bottle of wine (makes sense right?).  Along with the new follistim regime, my RE wanted to try a different trigger shot.  I have done Ovidrel for all previous medicated cycles and I just don't know if it actually got everything out of there.  Anywho, I was not expecting to be handed three different large bags full of medicine and told that I had to mix it.

Knowing that CB might be working late and was not guaranteed to get home before 8:00, I asked the pharmacist to explain it to me.  The pharmacist, six months pregnant and not a day over 25, really had no clue.  She was really good at reading the directions off of the label, but not so good at telling me how, in fact, I was supposed to mix up my little ovulation potion.  I decided that I would ask Mr. Youtube and be on my way...of course after asking if drinking a glass of wine with this would be a bad idea (turns out it wasn't)

So I go home, meet my friend and have a glass of wine, anxiously checking the clock to see if it was 8:00.  She left at 7:30 and I decided to be brave and open the bag.  This is what I found:

Yikes.

I got so far as to take the 1ml of fluid out of the bacteriostatic water before freaking out and calling CB. He answered and told me he was on his way home.  He waltzed in his scrubs and mixed that shit no problem and then gave it to me.  There are times when having a doctor husband really pays off.

So now today I am resting and waiting.  We go in tomorrow at 9:00 for our IUI.  I'm feeling pretty crampy and twingy - especially from my left side which is weird because they didn't really find anything on there.  I'm feeling good about the fact that we'll do the IUI and then I get to lay around and watch football for the rest of the day.

For vibes today, I'm looking for follicle growing/popping out vibes please.  Thanks!  :)

NEW PLAN

Ok just got off the phone with the RE and we have ourselves a plan. 

I trigger tonight with the new trigger shot that is waiting for me at Walgreen's.  We have sex tonight and tomorrow, followed by an IUI on Sunday.  CB goes in at 9:00 and I go in at 11:15.  I know and understand that I am at risk for multiples blah blah blah. 

I am currently on the top of the rollercoaster hill and I feel so happy!!

CD 13: Berenstain Bears and Too Many Follicles

Well folks, it appears that my fears have been realized.  I just got back from the doctor and, true to form, my ovaries have gone from stubborn little bitches to follicle growing m'fers.  Here is the current follicle count  (please keep in mind I had four under 11mm two days ago)

Right Side
15.5
15
14 (2)
13
12 (3)
11

Left Side
14
13
12 (2)

The nurse looked at me with her "we are going to cancel your cycle" pity eyes and told me my E2 test would tell us a lot.  I go back tomorrow morning at 8:00, but this is not looking good.  I feel like we just spent the past month setting money on fire and wasting time.

If you have any follicle domintating vibes, please send them to the 2 15mm follicles on my right ovary please!  Otherwise, I will accept donations of wine, chocolate and sushi. 

CD 12: What is Going On?

I do not know what is going on.  Something big is happening in my ovaries right now and I'm totally in the dark.  I will know more tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. but until then...it's a guessing game.

IF is all about being patient.  Being patient in the global sense as is in the "it will happen to you someday."  Being patient in the "oh well not this month but maybe next month."  Being patient in the "I hope that my follicles grow some today and tomorrow."

I didn't sign up for this journey with an excess of patience.  Furthermore, I feel like this has tested my patience and made me more impatient for other things in my life.  I can't have a baby so I want THINGS THAT I WANT (new puppy; new care; new job) NOW.  I can't have those thing either, however, because all I can want/strive for/afford is this.

I went out for drinks tonight with a friend and an interesting thing happened.  We were talking to a guy in his mid 40s-early 50s.  He asked me how long I had been married and I said "two years."  He then said "oh you are close"  And I said "to what?"  He said "to having kids."  I said, "maybe we won't have kids, who knows"  He dropped the subject, but brought it back up an hour later with a vengeance.  He asked me flat out - "are you trying for kids"   The lady in me wanted to say "oh yes of course" and leave it at that.  I didn't say that though.  I told this perfect stranger "yes we have been trying for over a year and we are currently considering ivf and I am using injects on a daily basis."  He looked slightly horrified, but shut the fuck up about it.

So, like Bill Maher, I'm going to have new rules.  NEW RULE:  If you say something to me about not having kids twice in one conversation, I am going to make you feel like shit by telling you how infertile I am.  NEW RULE:  If you try to make me feel guilty, weird, out of place for not having children, I will make you feel like a total ass.  You've all been warned.

CD 11 - No Movement

I think I cursed myself.  All of my worrying about blowing up has made my ovaries stubborn little bitches who won't respond to the expensive Follistim I keep injecting into them.  I had another u/s today with NO growth.  They are all at 11 mm.  WTF

Back to Walgreens for me....

Update #1 So I just spoke with the nurse.  Apparently my E2 levels rose a bit from Monday, so they are taking me back on the lower dosage.  I do not understand and really want my doctor to call me back.

Update #2 I just spoke with my doctor.  My E2 levels didn't rise "a bit" from Monday, they went from 95 to 380.  Apparently this is why my doctor wanted me to go back down to 75, which totally makes sense.  I feel better about the decision to decrease and really hope it works.

Source: lh4.ggpht.com via Frannie on Pinterest

CD10: Analyzing Twinges

I felt pretty crampy/twingy today.  I feel like something was growing in there - hopefully something was getting bigger than its brothers (I think my follicles are all boys - but imagine having female children)

I go in tomorrow morning for my u/s and blood work. Unlike last time, I'm not petrified of over responding, I just really don't know what to expect.  This cycle could be over tomorrow...or we could be scheduling an IUI.

I'm proud of myself for going running around the lake that my sister and I walked around yesterday.  It's so easy to make up excuses to not work out.  Now I feel like I deserve a couple hours on the couch with the DNC in the background.  More tomorrow!

CD9 - No Response

Be careful what you wish for....you just might get it.

I prayed so hard to not overstimulate.  It's pretty much all I've thought about for the past two days.  So imagine my surprise when I learned at my u/s this morning that there had been no growth over the past 2 days.

My RE isn't messing around.  She bumped me up from 75 to 150.  This meant that I needed to go get more medicine, which meant another healthy installment in our money we've paid for IF bank.

I don't talk a lot about the money we are spending on treatments, mostly because insurance has covered it.  Our first 2 vials of Follistim were covered by insurance ($2,000 in savings) and a got another vial from a friend. However, now our prescription insurance coverage is maxed out so we are paying OOP. I just spent $250 on medicine for 2 days.  If this doesn't work, we are looking at another cycle at full cost for medicine.  If THAT doesn't work then we have to pay a buttload of money for IVF.

I'm just hoping that this is the cycle and that this was the last $250 I'll ever give Walgreens for Follistim again.

I had a great weekend with my family.  Today I went on a long walk with my older sister.  I think she's ready for me to come out and say that she is pregnant.  She's due in January and doesn't know what she's having, but all signs point to a healthy awesome baby.  We were taking a long walk and broaching the issue of my feelings about her pregnancy, which is obviously hard to talk about.  Basically, I'm happy for her but I feel like a shitty sister because I can't be 100% there for her.  I just don't have the emotional capacity to be the sister she needs/deserves.  I think it will be different when the baby gets here - in a good way.  as with all things IF related, its a mind fuck/guessing game.

Anyway, while we were having this intense conversation we were accosted by throngs of crunchy pregnant women marching in support of natural birth in honor of Labor Day.

 I particularly liked the woman who thought that VBACs were "awesome."

I just noticed the man in the blue shirt running away from the crazy pregnant ladies.

Good call buddy.

CD7

After a fun night of drinking with my mom and sisters (please ignore previous post regarding not drinking while stimming) I had my first monitoring u/s of this cycle with my new fancy RE.  My sister went with me which was really fun.  We got right in - no waiting in the waiting room for 45 minutes like last time.

I don't know what I was expecting - maybe 2-3 good follies?  I got 5.  5 all at 11-12 mm.  The nurse says that I have to think selfish thoughts and hope that one of the follies decides to take over.  I go back on Monday morning to see if anyone them do.  My little sister has decided that it will be Follicle #4 that takes over and makes it happen.

I'm so glad that I asked to get my dosage reduced.  I can not imagine how big they would be at 125 for all of these days.  Jeezy petes.

Back in the waiting/praying game.

In happier news, we went to the Minnesota State Fair.  Here is a pic of me and baby sister riding the "Viper"