***warning really messy post ahead***
I just saw myself naked for the first time since Wednesday, when my happy dream of being pregnant turned into an ugly nightmare. My body looks the same as it did on Wednesday morning when I showered and changed into the cute new maternity clothes I had bought. My breasts are full and lined with blue veins, which were supposed to deliver milk to my baby once he or she came into the world. My nipples were slightly more protruded. My belly is rounded and full. I look like I have gained about 10 pounds and like my "baby bump" is there.
But I'm empty. The only thing inside my "bump" are wounds from the d&c.
I want to punish myself for being so fat. For letting myself go. For eating so many goddamn crackers. This would have been so much easier if I was skinny now. If my own fucking body wasn't reminding me of how much I've lost.
This hurts so fucking bad.
I'm sorry Andy. I literally HAVE gained 10 pounds since my D&C on Monday. But that is my own damn fault for eating all the junk food I could get my hands on! That will be changing after this weekend. I have 3 months to work on getting myself back in shape and healthy for our next attempt. Hang in there. Hugs. I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Andy. There are no words that can say that will help right now. It is normal for you to be angry! I sure as hell would be. Sending hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI had loss from when I was younger and felt my body was betraying me too with the constant reminders.
Let yourself be angry for the situation, but don't be angry at yourself. Hugs.
I'm so sorry you're hurting Andy. It is a particularly cruel irony that our bodies go on 'behaving' in a pregnant way for days after we're not. I hated that too. It's not fair.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and strength today.
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ReplyDeleteSorry major typos there!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I've been reading your blog for a while and my heart breaks for all of us on this infertility "journey" god I hate that word.... I wish none of us had to do this shit.