CD 5: Her Least Favorite Patient

It's no secret that I'm a hands-on type of patient.  Heck, I'm a hands-on type of everything really.  So when I got my medicine schedule on Sunday (125 mg everyday for a week and then monitoring) I knew that I'd be calling new RE and asking her - really?  are you sure?  Because I've had nurses and PA's set my medicine schedule and you know how many babies it got me?  ABSOLUTELY ZERO.

So I called the doctor's office and, after a couple days, I got her on the phone.  She dialed me back from 125 to 75 starting tonight until Saturday.

Here is my schedule:
CD3:  125
CD4:  125
CD5: 75
CD6: 75
CD7:  U/S medicine TBD

I better not blow up.  I just feel like I'm going to blow up.  I am doing everything in my power to prevent that but I'm quickly learning that I really don't have any control over what the fuck goes on in my ovaries.

I just want two really fucking awesome ovaries.  Is that too much to ask?

CD 1: IT'S HERE

Finally finally finally.  I am on my period...which means I survived the month of BCPs.  I go in tomorrow to my fancy new doctor's office to get the vag cam.  I am confident and hopeful that there won't be anymore stupid cysts but omg WHAT IF THEY ARE STILL THERE?

Please send me cyst be gone vibes.

Anyways....assuming that they are gone for real, here are the reasons why THIS CYCLE is going to work:

• My new doctor who is going to make sure I make a small number of good solid eggs
• I am going to abstain from alcohol
• I am going to (maybe) get acupuncture
• I am going to get massages
• I am going to not stress out about everything
• My sisters and mom will be here while I'm stimming.

Let's get this show on the ROAD.

(sorry for the shoutiness of this post)

My First Born(s)

I figured since I have spent all this time whining about how I don't have a human baby, I should tell you about my current children.  I was born with an animal lovers gene.  I'm basically a borderline hoarder.  Seriously.  I would have 10 dogs and 10 cats if I could.  Thankfully I married a sensible man, so our animal acquisitions have been slow, but steady.

First, meet Frankie.  Frankie is a 5 year old min pin who loves to snuggle and go on hikes.  I got Frankie a month before I met H, who quickly realized that we were a package deal.

A year later, once H and I were shacking up, we decided to get a cat.  Sensing my husband's weakness for cute kittens, I found the ultimate cutest craigslist posting for TWO cats.  He couldn't resist, so we ended up with Willie and Jacob.  Here is what they looked like as babies...

Jacob is on the right, Willie in on the left.  See how little Willie is?  That changed.

Willie is the world's cutest, sweetest and naughtiest kitty.  He is a total lover and will literally cuddle attack you.  He will also pee in any laundry/suitcase vessel if left unattended for more than 5 minutes.  He marks with reckless abandon...but is so freaking cute.   How could you be mad at this face?

Then there is Jacob, who is truly 100% MY kitty.  Jacob is the vocal, strong kitty who lets his presence be known, even after hiding under the bed for 2 days.  He enjoys being spooned and will sit with me for hours.

There you have it!  The groundwork foundation of the Wiltrout family. 

Everybody is Pregnant.

Seriously.  I have not gone a DAY without getting a pregnancy announcement.  EVERYBODY IS PREGNANT.  I hear it and then think "oh wow - really?"  and think about how when I started trying they were SO far away from even thinking about getting pregnant.  Or they were trying to get pregnant with their first.  So if you know me...congratulations!  You will be pregnant soon!

I'm trying not to be a whiny mess - but let's face it, this is my blog so I can whine if I want to.  I don't understand why it hasn't been my turn yet.  I don't even think it will ever be.  I want to believe, and have faith in the process but it is so easy to give up....especially when I'm on a break cycle.

Is this ever going to happen?

Source: Uploaded by user via Nate on Pinterest

Bored.

I'm so over these fucking pills.  In fact, I'm so over them that I got totally drunk on Thursday  - just because I could.  Of course that landed me with a huge hangover and a pissed off husband.  I guess I just can't win can I?

An interesting thing happened while I was drunk though.  I started talking about my infertility like it was an actual thing happening in my life.  Like on the level of hating my job or wanting to lose weight. I even talked about it with a boy.  I'm feeling more and more like it's not a big fucking secret.  It is what is HAPPENING in my life now.

It's also a large part of what H and I talk about.  Every financial decision as of late is looked at in the light of "well what if we have to do IVF."

I am fully consumed with IF and not even trying this month.  I think I'm doing my break cycle wrong.

Are You Happy With The Way You Are Living Your Life?

I was asked this question at the end of a particularly difficult yoga class.  What was interesting is that it wasn't "are you happy with the life that you are living"

Maybe it was the dehydration or hunger, but my answer brought tears to my eyes.  Yes.  I am happy with the way I am living my life.  Right now there are some really shitty things in my life - but I am giving my life my all.  I have been giving it my all this whole past year.  I am doing everything in my power to give myself what I want and I can take solace in that.

I take my 7th pill tonight.  I'm counting down the days until I'm done with that AND when my sistas come to visit me!!!

Source: conspicuousstyle.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

Day 6 of BCPs

I feel fat.  Like really really fat.  My pants don't fit, my stomach is huge and my thighs feel like they have gotten a side compartment.

What am I doing about this you ask?

Well...drinking, eating ice cream, "broasted" chicken from the fair and drinking drinking drinking.  Oh and I'm scared to work out because my ovaries are still going crazy.

I hate this feeling.  I feel so out of control and unattractive.

Good News and Bad News

Good News:
I have a fantastic new doctor.  After a year (and several months of people telling me to) I switched from my OB/GYN practice to an RE.  DH and I walked in and were astounded by how nice the offices were.  I quickly scanned and noticed how comfortable I was with no pregnant bellies in sight, no babies in tow.   We sat down with my new doctor (Michigan grad - holla!) who had reviewed my charts and was ready with the plan.

The plan isn't that much different - except we will be doing a smaller dosage of Follistim, an HCG trigger (not Ovidrel) and Crinone.  She wanted to get started right away, so she called the u/s lady to start my baseline ultrasound, which led to the bad news...

Bad News:
I have mega cysts on my ovaries again.  I was prepared this time and there were no tears.  I am going to take BCPs which I am praying to God work.  I just want to get this show on the road,  In the meantime, I am looking forward to wine, sushi and hot yoga.