I cheated.

I had one active bcp left last night.  It looked so small and insignificant.  I really didn't want to take it.  Taking it meant ONE MORE DAY of not trying.  In a moment of weakness I pushed the pill into the toilet and took an inactive pill.  I remembered how my little sister did the same thing with my pack of pills when she wanted me to start trying.  That was 16 months ago - sigh.

Here's to hoping that AF starts soon.

In unrelated news, I broke up with my therapist today.  I basically found out that he was 100% not covered by my insurance.  I've been in therapy forEVER....ever since I called this agency at the U of Michigan.  They put me in touch with Maria, my Ann Arbor therapist.  She was awesome and never judged me.  We worked on developing relationships and getting through law school.  Then I moved to Chicago and she put me in touch with Jill.  I didn't like Jill as much at first but quickly grew to love her.  She and I worked through my first years of practice, not drinking my face off, and the process to mold me into the woman I am today.  When I found out we were moving to Minneapolis, one of the saddest/scariest parts was losing Jill.  Turns out I didn't really lose her as she is only a phone call away.  She interviewed and screened various therapists, including the one I broke up with today, David.  Now going from two strong female role models to a jewish guy was awkward at first - but we eventually hit it off.  I was sad when I realized I couldn't see him anymore, but more anxious about the process.  He was completely professional and totally understood.

It's weird being "without" a therapist at one of the hardest and scariest times of my life right now.  Next week could, and probably will, really suck.  Who will I talk to?  What will I do?  Can I handle it?

I'm in the process of finding a new, in-network therapist, so hopefully I find someone to talk to soon.