What if?

I've been playing the "what if" game pretty consistently the past couple of weeks.  What if I am stuck here in infertility jail unable to travel for another year?  What if it never works and we are childless?

The latest "what if" is immediate and scary - what if the birth control pills I'm taking now don't make my cysts go away and I have to take them for another month?   There is exactly NOTHING that I can do to make sure that this doesn't happen and it blows.  It would mean that for my birthday and anniversary we would be in the same position we are now - treading water and waiting out our time in the time-out pool.

I have 9 pills left before I take my inactive pills.  There is nothing I can do between now and then but be patient I guess.   WAAAAAAAAAH.

A long time gone...

I went running today for the first time in at least 3 months.  Running was the dividing line between the part of my life when I hated my body/myself and the past 7 years.  I most recently replaced running with yoga (mostly because I love yoga - but also for TTC reasons as described below) but man oh man did it feel good.

For the past 6 months, every time I thought about starting running I thought about what effect it would have on my ovaries.  Then I found out one of my favorite people got pregnant shortly after she ran her first 1/2 marathon and it got me thinking.  I'm tired of putting my freaking life on hold and I want to start running again.

Here is one of my favorite pics of myself - after I finished my first (and only) marathon

Part of me feels like I could do that again if I really wanted to.  It feels so good to think about something other than trying to get pregnant or my stupid job.  I think I'm going to try to go running again this week.

Day 7 of BCPs.

My tits are sore, my face is clear and my CM is cloudy.  Thank you birth control pills!!!

Only two more weeks of waiting for this bullshit to be over.  

HSG = ALL CLEAR

Woot.  This is obviously amazingly good news.  It didn't really hurt that much. 

More later...

Nothing Good is Happening

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I am kind of in the middle of this shit and it sucks big time.  We got 6 eggs and the stupid Nurse Practioner got me all excited for twins.  Guess what happened?  NOTHING.  That's right - a BFN.  Actually it wasn't even a negative pregnancy test because my period came two fucking days early!  Yay for possible luteal phase defect!!!

So, I pick myself and brush myself off and go into start medicated cycle #5.  I inject a very expensive 150 ml of Follistim into myself and head into in doctor's office on Thursday morning.  I go into the pregnancy u/s room (which I really hate) and begin to watch the ovary show from the vagicam.  The tech immediately starts freaking out - FIVE huge cysts.  Like major cysts.  I start crying uncontrollably and she tries to soothe me.  She's probably seen it all and was very nice.  I was then shipped to the waiting room and then moved into the doctor's office.  I met with my least favorite doctor (let's call him "Doctor D-Bag") who told me that "my ovaries are going crazy."  Newsflash Dr. D-Bag, that's not funny.  Water works ensue leaving him totally uncomfortable and anxious.  He did give me a free pack of birth control pills as a consolation prize.

That's right I said birth control pills.  As in what you take when you don't want to be pregnant.  Makes sense right?  Fuckers.  I have to take them all month ("it's really only 3 weeks") and then hopefully my ovaries will have shrunken back to their normal size.

But don't worry..the TTTC fun will still be going on.  On Tuesday I get my HSG test!  This is kind of scary deal because it determines whether your tubes are clogged.   If they are clogged the test really sucks and is super painful.  Oh and basically I can't get pregnant.  So Tuesday is a pretty big day.


Something good needs to happen.  Stat.